I’m challenging myself to do some drawing every day. I haven’t done much drawing lately, and it really shows. I want to stay sharp, and I may even post sketches from time to time on here. I intend to take art classes during the school year as well, both drawing and painting classes if possible, and I want to be sure I’m not out of practice and needing to relearn some skills. I’ve done a sketch of Em, and I’m trying to do one of myself, but I’m quite dissatisfied with how it is going so far. But this is why I’m practicing! I will persevere!
Life is a question of nerves, and fibres, and slowly built-up cells in which thought hides itself and passion has its dreams. You may fancy yourself safe and think yourself strong. But a chance tone of colour in a room or a morning sky, a particular perfume that you had once loved and that brings subtle memories with it, a line from a forgotten poem that you had come across again, a cadence from a piece of music that you had ceased to play… I tell you, that it is on things like these that our lives depend.
I think Jeremy and I hurt Em’s feelings tonight. She is the only one we consistently spend time with, and she is my best friend.
She is the only one of our friends who has her own car and no commitments, so she drives people around a lot. She always gets paid gas money, but she feels used a lot of the time. She feels like the people who ask her for a ride don’t hang out with her unless she gives them a ride someplace. She told me that Jeremy and I are the only people that she doesn’t feel use her, because we don’t ask for rides, we just spend time with her.
Anyway, tonight the three of us were out and about, and Jeremy was obviously horny. He really wanted me, and of course I wanted him as well, but I didn’t want Em to feel she was being used, so I didn’t ask her to let us be alone. However, Jeremy did. And though she’s good at hiding disappointment when she wants to, I thought I detected some sadness when she agreed to leave us. I felt sorry, but I knew even if I called her back she would still feel awkward because she would think she was holding us back. It made the ensuing oral sex less enjoyable because I felt badly about it all. The best thing I could do was make sure Jeremy and I were completely calm, collected, and cleaned up when we rejoined her and make no mention of it.
The whole way home, I wanted to apologize to her about it, but she was absorbed in the music like she likes to be. I didn’t want to bring it up because it would snap her out of the music she loves, and it seemed like that would just make it worse. I’ll have to do it tomorrow. I’d hate for her to think I didn’t notice the sadness when Jeremy asked for alone time.
I want to get a tattoo. It’s not entirely practical, as it is quite expensive and can make getting/keeping a job more difficult, and yet, the concept of a beautiful and meaningful work of art on my body feels so thrilling to me. I’m not even sure what I would get, I only know it will have to have very significant meaning to me and make me feel more like myself. But if I did, I would never hear the end of it from my family. Not just my parents, but all of my aunts and uncles too. And while my dear Jeremy wouldn’t be angry about me having one, he has told me he prefers my body the way it is. I’m lucky to love and be loved by a man who loves a natural woman—he’s always loved that I hardly ever wear makeup. He never complains when I do, bless him, but if I were to get a tattoo, that would be permanent, not like makeup that I could just wash off. I suppose I should wait until I move out before I decide to get one. That’s the best conclusion I can come to on the subject for now. Until then, I’ll just dream and see what might look good on my body.